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I was like “Creepy” is a word that comes up a lot when I’m having an honest discussion with men about their feelings on their sexualities.
And, the “skinny girl” narrative works because it’s conventional; it’s something a “non-creepy” dude might be into.
And then I was like, oh yeah — this is that feeling from back when I had boyfriends. Like I am not worthy of being loved because of how I look. I feel almost physically sub-human, as if any man who looks at my naked body without saying something cruel is doing me a kindness. When I was dating women, and when I was not dating, I didn’t really stress out about my appearance.
I haven’t had one in over 5 years, and I kind of assumed that those old weird insecure feelings I used to have were something I just matured out of. Apparently what happened is that I stopped dating dudes. Like, that any man who is with me is only settling because he can’t get what he really wants. Sometimes I looked good, sometimes I looked bad and I feel like I had a fairly objective sense of the whole thing. I was able to see, in an objective sense, that my hair was fine (strangely, better than normal) my skin was fine.
In another time or place, I would have looked in the mirror and thought I looked hot. I had a quick chat with a feminist friend of mine, and she said “ugh, fucking men and porn ruins everything.” And like…
I don’t totally disagree with that, but I kind of feel like that’s not the whole story. In fact, often women seem to be more vocally superficial in the first few dates than men do (presumably, because we punish men more for their outbursts of superficiality) but somehow men leave me feeling worse.