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I created an activity with her dog, Millie, to help her nurture and care for something outside of herself - an important part of rewiring our circuits when dealing with addiction.Stephanie was free to rewrite her past and take a baby step forward with a newfound sense of an undisturbed self.To most of us, leaving may seem like a no-brainer; yet her actions were pulling her full speed ahead into a lust ridden 'damned if you do, damned if you don't' scenario.It didn't matter how well or how little she knew him beforehand.It became a whole different ball game when they got intimate. She was hurting herself by her decision to condone his emotionally abusive behavior.She was afraid to acknowledge the dance, the neediness, and the manipulation.You know the type: the guy who doesn’t make you better, yet does an awesome job at stringing you along, but you have no idea where your relationship stands? It’s like craving a highly carbonated and artificial soft drink. Hey, no judgement here; however, while it’s satisfying at the moment, it can be detrimental in the long run if you form a bad habit. Growth is no doubt a good thing, but if your significant other is trying to to change your style of clothes, your friends and make you into someone you’re not or don’t aspire to be, leave.
My client, Stephanie, aged 35, is a junior agent for a high profile agency.
However, for years, I had this image in my head of what a bad boy looks like (probably from the movie Grease when I was 5) and because I never dated anyone who looked like the above description I thought I wasn’t dating bad boys. It turns out, bad boys are everywhere and you probably aren’t recognizing the because they may be disguising themselves as normal guys you work with and hang out with every day. My flavor of “bad boy” was disguised as the passionate, creative, wicked smart, super funny, cute guys. Witty banter flowed like boxed wine and I always got a little stumbly when they would go into their 10 minute soliloquy on what they were really passionate about–usually music. They led me through some of the most romantic and swooning moments of my life. What I am forgetting to mention (and loved to completely ignore) is that along with these fun qualities they also were brooding, narcissistic, passive-aggressive, non-communicators, completely emotionally unavailable and honestly…a little lost. And kept trying over and over, thinking I was the exception–just like every Rom-Com told me. But in between the rare swooning moments, they took me on the constant roller coaster ride of wondering where we stood and how they felt.
They could be cute co-workers, guys you volunteer with, soulful musicians, accountants, passionate artists and even the adorable nerds that make you want to understand advanced math. I had exactly what they needed to realize their full potential. One moment we were all about each other, the next I didn’t hear from them for days.
If you’re not happy with the way things are currently going in your relationship, especially during the early stages, that’s a good sign that you should leave.
If things aren’t going too well now, don’t assume placing an exclusive label on the relationship will make it any different. Once you create this list, keep it handy to remind you of what it is that you’d like to have in a man, and make changes as necessary. There’s nothing wrong with having a type, but sometimes going outside of your safety zone can be a good thing.